It's All About ATTITUDE!
What attitude can and cannot do for you.
We’ve all heard countless statements about the significant part our attitude plays in everyday life. The connection between attitude and success is undeniable. Yet changing our attitude can be one of the most difficult things we do.
Is Attitude All You Need?
I am a motivational teacher; I’m not a motivational speaker. A motivational speaker makes you feel good, but then the next day you don’t know why. As a motivational teacher, I hope I make you feel good, but the next day you’ll also know why.
One of the things motivational speakers say a lot, which I disagree with, is that attitude is everything. If you can believe it, you can achieve it, they say. What you set your mind to can become yours. I don’t think it works that way. I know a lot of good people who have a wonderful attitude who haven’t reached their dreams yet.
That’s what motivated me to write the book The Difference Maker. I felt there ought to be a book on attitude to help a person understand all of the good things it could do for them and all the things it can’t. Attitude isn’t everything, but it’s the main difference maker.
Let me first tell you what your attitude cannot do for you.
• Your attitude cannot substitute for competence. If you have a great attitude but you are incompetent, you’re never going to get where you want to go. Some people confuse confidence, which is a function of attitude, with competence, which is a function of ability. Let me explain it this way. I love to sing, and I would love to sing opera. That’s the good news. The bad news? I can’t sing. I could spend thousands of dollars hiring the best voice coaches in the world and practice three hours a day, and I still would never become an opera singer. It’s not an attitude problem; it’s a competence problem.
• Your attitude cannot substitute for experience. When I was a pastor in San Diego years ago, I had a church that was fairly large. And one of the things I realized very quickly was that I could no longer afford to hire young staffers who didn’t have experience working in large churches. I needed people with experience and a breadth of knowledge with larger congregations, people who I didn’t need to train from the ground up. Attitude cannot substitute for experience.
• Your attitude cannot change the facts. The facts are the facts. No matter how good your attitude is, you’ll never be a center in the NBA if you are 5 feet tall. Maya Angelou said, “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.”
• Your attitude cannot substitute for personal growth. Bruce Springsteen said it best: “A time comes when you need to stop waiting for the man you want to become and start being the man you want to be.”
• Your attitude will not stay good automatically. I’ve written three or four books on attitude, but my attitude still doesn’t stay good automatically. It’s like the farmer says: “The hardest thing about cows is they never stay milked.” Our attitude is just like that. It just doesn’t stay set.
I tell myself every morning that I’m going to display a good attitude throughout the day. The reason I do it early in the morning is because once I hit the freeways and get into traffic, it’s tough to keep a good attitude while people are honking their horns at me and gesturing I’m No. 1. Your attitude doesn’t stay the same. It’s better to maintain an attitude than it is to regain an attitude.
For years, I’ve tried to live by the following statement: I cannot always choose what happens to me, but I can always choose what happens in me. Some things in life are beyond my control. Some things are within it. My attitude about the areas beyond my control can be the difference maker. My attitude about the areas that I do control will be the difference maker. In other words, the greatest difference my “difference maker” can make is within me, not others. When you are trying to change someone, just try and change yourself.
Now let’s talk about what your attitude can do for you.
• Your attitude makes a difference in your approach to life. All’s well that begins well. We’ve always heard this phrase the other way around: All’s well that ends well. Ask any coach of a sports team, and they’ll tell you the attitude of the players going into the game will be a determining factor in the outcome of the game.
• Your attitude makes a difference in your relationships with people. When someone has a difficult time with people, almost always it’s an attitude issue. People who fail in relationships almost always fail in the area of attitude toward others. Your attitude has a tremendous impact upon your relationship skills.
• Your attitude makes a difference in how you face challenges. Successful people don’t have fewer problems than unsuccessful people—they just have a different mindset. Take, for example, Napoleon Bonaparte. His school companions mocked him because of his humble origins and poverty. He responded by studying harder, and soon he became the best student in the class and went on to become one of the greatest generals in history.
Abraham Lincoln is considered by many to be the best of the U.S. presidents, yet he probably would not have stood out as a great leader had he not led the country through the Civil War. Often the circumstances seemed to be instrumental in the creation of great leaders and thinkers. But that is the case only when their attitudes are right.
I will end with the words of Chuck Swindoll, who wrote a great piece called The Power of Attitude:
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or scale. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we embrace for that day. We cannot change our past.… We cannot change the fact that people act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude…. I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it, and so it is with you…. We are in charge of our attitudes.
This week we share a powerful message from best-selling author and leadership expert, John Maxwell. John challenges us with the question, "What are you doing with this gift of life"?
When you are 80 years old, sitting in your porch rocking chair and reflecting on life, questions such as Did I live a useful life? will cross your mind. There’s no doubt this question will be important to you at 80, so it really should be important to you now.
Unfortunately, a lot of people make a habit of postponing life. They think that somehow, some way, somewhere at some time, life will get better. This rather poignant saying helps illustrate my point:
First I was dying to finish high school and start college. And then I was dying to finish college and start working. And then I was dying to marry and have children. Then I was dying for my children to grow old enough so I could return to work. Then I was dying to retire. And now I am dying and suddenly realize I forgot to live.
Isabel Moore said, “Life is a one-way street. No matter how many detours you take, none of them leads back. And once you know and accept that, life becomes much simpler.”
I’ve understood for some time that the only day I have is today. Even so, having a heart attack a few years ago crystallized that concept in my mind. Life is a one-way street. This isn’t a dress rehearsal—it’s a live performance.
We need to take special care to live a useful life, starting now.
So what does it mean to live a useful life? For me, the usefulness of my life is determined by:
• The relationships I form
• The decisions I make
• The experiences I encounter
The Relationships I Form
Relationships help us define who we are and what we can become. More than almost anything else, relationships determine the kind of a life you lead. In fact, most people can trace their failures or successes back to pivotal relationships.
Our relationships with others fall into one of four categories:
1. Addition—Some relationships add to who we are.
2. Subtraction—Some relationships take a little bit out of us.
3. Multiplication—Some relationships can multiply our strengths, results and contacts.
4. Division—Some relationships can divide us.
Think about the people in your life. Where do they fit into these categories? I’m sure it wouldn’t take long to put names beside each category, right? Many of the sorrows we experience spring out of relationships with the wrong people. But it is also true that some of the greatest joys we experience in life develop as the result of our relationships with the right people. With that in mind, work to increase the time and energy you invest in the relationships that improve your life.
And, perhaps above all, work on becoming a person who improves others’ lives.
The Decisions I Make
Our decisions also determine the usefulness of our lives. One of my favorite quotes on making decisions comes from the great John Wooden, who said, “Make each day your masterpiece.”
There are two ingredients necessary to make every day a masterpiece: decisions and discipline. Decision-making takes care of goal setting, but discipline also takes care of goal-getting. Decisions and discipline can’t be separated; one is worthless without the other.
Since I’m talking about living a useful life, let me share what I consider to be a few of my own life-changing decisions.
• I am committed to continual personal growth. I believe growth is happiness, it is essential. Out of my growth I live, and out of my growth, I give.
• I will give and serve on the front end. Many of the blessings I enjoy today are the result of the decision my wife, Margaret, and I made to try to live a life of giving with no strings attached.
• I will exhibit a great attitude, regardless of the situation.
Virginia Satir said, “Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.” It’s not the circumstances life deals us that determine our success or failure. It’s our response to it.
The Experiences I Encounter
Finally, the experiences we encounter on a daily basis impact our ability to live a useful life. Joseph Campbell put it best, “People say that what we’re all seeking is meaning for life…. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive.”
Our experiences determine how fulfilling our life is, and there are four realms to every experience:
1. Entertainment—Absorbing experience through the senses
2. Educational—Participation of a person’s mind or body, sometimes both
3. Escapist—Completely involves the person, like going to a theme park
4. Esthetic—Immersion in an environment but not affecting it
Jim Gilmore was spot-on when he said, “The richest and most compelling human experiences draw from all four realms.” If you are a leader or a communicator, ask yourself: When I am communicating with or leading people, do I involve all four experiences?
Final Thoughts
If you’re not doing something with your life, it doesn’t matter how long it is. If you’re doing something with your life, it doesn’t matter how long it is. Life does not consist of years lived, but of its usefulness. If you are giving, loving, serving, helping, encouraging and adding value to others, you have a useful life!
"HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE"
Part One: How to Handle People
Don’t criticize others. You may feel that you are direct or honest, but you are
shutting down any meaningful conversation.
Be kind to others by considering their perspective.
Give sincere appreciation to those around you.
You can convince people to do what you want by appealing to their desires.
By becoming someone who seeks to help others in attitude, you will find that
others will be willing to help you.
Part Two: How to Make People Like You
Connecting with others means that the focus needs to be on them, not you.
Take time to be interested in others.
Smile, even when you don’t feel like smiling. It is contagious and will help
improve your mood and the mood around you.
Use names in conversation to make people feel important.
Practice using good listening skills.
Ask others about their interests.
Stop and make time to ensure other people feel appreciated and important.
Part Three: How to Influence People
Arguments sometimes happen so that one person can feel superior to others.
The best way to win an argument is to avoid it in the first place.
Don’t argue with your customers or clients.
Never tell someone directly that they are wrong.
Try to see things from the other person’s point of view.
When you are wrong, admit it straightaway.
Begin every difficult conversation with a friendly tone.
Compliments are always a good idea as long as they are sincere.
Begin discussions with the points you can agree on.
Go for the “yes, yes” when in disagreement with someone.
Listen more than you talk.
Ask for suggestions. People believe more strongly in their own ideas.
Apologize if you are wrong and be sympathetic.
Part Four: Leading People in Change
Begin a difficult discussion with a sincere compliment.
Make sure to point out what a person does well before discussing
improvement.
Indirectly offer criticism to protect the feelings of the other person.
Look at the other side of the situation. View it from the other person’s
perspective before criticizing them.
Keep in mind that everyone makes mistakes.
Encourage people to figure out what should be done without having to give them an
order directly.
When asked for suggestions, people become more involved and motivated.
Use kindness and tact when having a difficult conversation. Keep it private and
encouraging.
Praise improvement and encourage those around you.
Show others how a change can help them reach their goals by encouraging their
positive attributes.
How To Live A Good Life:
Since you can’t read minds, you don’t really know the “why” behind the “what” that people do. Imputing evil motives to other people’s weird behaviors adds extra misery to life, while assuming good intentions leaves you open to reconciliation.
Stop using negative phrases, such as “I can’t,” “It’s impossible,” or “This won’t work.” Stop using profanity, too. What comes out of your mouth programs your mind. When you talk trash, you’re transforming your brain into trash.
You may not realize it, but your physiology is programmed to mirror the physiology of those around you. In other words, you can “catch” stress from other people. So although it may not be possible to avoid stressed people all the time, avoid them as far as possible.
If there’s any big truth about life, it’s that it usually lives up to (or down to) your expectations. Therefore, when you rise from bed, make your first thought be, “Something wonderful is going to happen today.” Guess what? You’re probably right.
Breathing deeply calms you down but, more importantly, it helps ensure that plenty of oxygen is getting into your lungs and into your blood stream, where (among other things) it helps your brain work more efficiently.
The small and large successes and accomplishments in your life deserve recognition. It’s a mistake to head straight for the next task or the next goal without celebrating, even if it’s only patting yourself on the back.
The idea that daydreaming and working are mutually exclusive belongs back in the 20th century. It’s when you let your thoughts wander that you’re more likely to have the insights that will make you both unique and more competitive.
When you approach a task that leads toward your goal, never start out by saying, “I’ll try...” When you use that phrase, you’re giving yourself permission to fail. Instead, phrase your action in terms of “I will...!” or “I must...!” No wiggle room allowed.
Regardless of your goals and milestones, you don’t have control over anything except your own behavior. Redefining failure as “failing to take action” puts failure (and therefore success) within your control.
Arguments about politics and religion never have a “right” answer, but they definitely get people all riled up over things they can’t control. When such topics surface, bow out by saying something like: “Thinking about that stuff makes my head hurt.”
Hate is an emotional parasite that eats away at your energy and health. If something is wrong with the world and you can change it, take action. If you can’t take action, you’re better off to forgive and forget.
Unless you’re working in telesales or product support, there’s no reason you should ever take a call from somebody you don’t know. After all, when was the last time you took an unexpected call that was truly important? If it’s important, they’ll get you through email.
The ability to laugh at your foibles not only makes you happier as a person, it makes you more powerful, more influential, and more attractive to others. If you can’t laugh at yourself, everyone else will be laughing behind your back.
Some battles aren’t worth fighting, and many people are easier to handle when they think they’ve won the argument. What’s important isn’t “winning,” but what you, and the other people involved, plan to do next.
Before you tell a story about anybody else, or listen to such a story, ask yourself four questions: Is it true?, Is it kind?, Is it necessary?, and Would I want somebody telling a similar story about me?
You can’t mind-read and you don’t have everyone else wired into a lie detector. Truly, you have no idea what anyone is really thinking about you. It’s a total waste of time and energy to cling to your own idea of what that might be, especially if it’s negative.
Even a tiny amount of dehydration can “drain your energy and make you tired,” according to the Mayo Clinic. They recommend that men drink roughly three liters (about 13 cups) and women 2.2 liters (about nine cups) of total beverages every day.
There’s truth to the old saying that you should eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a merchant, and supper like a pauper. Fueling up early makes you less likely to need that extra jolt of sugar at about 10:30 AM.
Just before you go to bed, write down at least one wonderful thing that happened. It might be something as small as a making a child laugh or as huge as a million-dollar deal. Whatever it is, be grateful for that day because it will never come again.
While working at a screen, periodically stare at something that’s far away, like out the window. If necessary, get up and find a window or at least a hallway so that you can focus at a distance. This keeps your eyesight from degenerating.
While some work environments are inherently difficult, if you’re consistently miserable, it’s your fault. You owe it to yourself and your co-workers to either find a job that makes you happy or make the best of the job you’ve got.
Being successful means taking risks, and risks are inherently scary. Rather than letting fear keep you from taking action, use it as a signal that it’s time to actually take action. It may sound trite, but there’s real truth the old saying: “Feel the fear, then do it anyway.”
While your job might sometimes seem like the most important thing in your world, you’re killing a part of yourself if you let work situations push you into places that violate your privacy and your integrity.
The big enemy of happiness is worry, which comes from focusing on events that are outside your control. Once you’ve taken action, there’s usually nothing more you can do. Focus on the job at hand rather than some weird fantasy of what might happen.
Your ears are the pathway to your brain. When doing something visually boring (like driving), listen to audio books or motivation talks. When you need some extra energy, listen to music that “pumps you up.”
To provide an extra oomph to your efforts, make a formal public commitment to your goals. For example, you might want to sign up for a charity race that you couldn’t possibly run without first getting yourself in tip-top shape.
Focusing on past mistakes or wrongs inflicted on you is like driving a car while looking in the rearview mirror. You’ll keep heading in the same direction until you collide with something solid.
Post your goals everywhere you spend time. Post them on your bathroom mirror, right behind your computer screen, and on the dashboard of your car. The more you see your goals, the easier it will be to achieve them.
Keep a record of what you’ve already accomplished. Review this when you’re feeling discouraged or unsure—it’s an instant confidence builder and helps you focus on the positive.
When you’re driving, you’re going to see people driving in ways that are stupid, dangerous, and annoying. Even so, you’re wasting your energy getting upset about what they do, much less reacting to it by honking or flipping the bird.
Meetings are only useful if people know why they’re meeting in the first place. An agenda provides focus and purpose. The lack of an agenda guarantees meandering conversations that dive into rat holes. They’re a waste of your (and everyone else’s) time.
Your attitude isn’t controlled by the outside world. While truly sad things do happen, most of the time your attitude is the result of how you’re viewing the world, rather than what’s happening in it.
The nature of the physical universe is change. Nothing remains the same; everything is, as the gurus say, transitory. Whether you’re celebrating or mourning or something in between, this, too, will pass.
Rejection is an emotionally-loaded term that people unwisely use when they fail to achieve a goal that involves another person. Nobody feels “rejected” when he or she sets a goal to, say, run a four-minute mile, but then only end up running it in five minutes.
If you don’t believe your goal is achievable, you won’t take action to achieve it. Therefore, any goal that you set must be within the realm of possibility and tied to actions that you can actually take.
Big goals are easier to achieve if you break them up into smaller chunks or milestones. Achieving milestones gives you more confidence, strengthens your motivation, and helps you build momentum.
Contrary to popular belief, smiling and laughter are not the result of being happy; they’re part of a cycle that both creates and reinforces happiness. Find reasons to smile. Never, ever suppress a laugh.
Everybody, and I mean everybody, starts out in a different place and is headed on their own journey. You have no idea where someone else’s journey might lead them, so drawing comparisons is a complete waste of time.
You get the same amount of time every day as everyone else. You may feel you’re short on time and that you desperately need more, but when the day started, you got your fair share: 24 hours. Nobody got any more than you did, so stop complaining.
A voicemail message consumes minutes of your time (more if you have to replay) to communicate information you could absorb from an email in seconds. Explain in your outgoing message that you don’t use voicemail and provide your email address.
Your body is not well suited for sitting down for long periods of time. Quite the contrary, the human body evolved so that it’s optimized for running around in the woods, whacking animals with a stick.
Numerous scientific studies have shown that a walk after a meal improves your digestion, helps you regulate your blood sugar, and increases your mental acuity. It’s the best way to avoid that “heavy” feeling that often follows a meal.
Once you’ve gotten your goals set into your mind, it’s time to take action. Approach each action with confidence that you’ll eventually succeed. The more action you take at the beginning, the more momentum you build.
Lack of sleep is disastrous to your health and numerous studies show that people are more productive at work after taking a quick nap. Don’t fall into the trap of working when you’re sleepy. You’ll get it done faster if you give your brain a break.
While stair climbing doesn’t consume all that many calories (about 300 if you’re average height and weight and climb five flights, five times a day), it does cause your heart to work harder, thereby improving your circulation and your overall health.
The most common source of stress is the perception that you’ve got too much work to do. Rather than obsess about it, pick one thing that, if you get it done today, will move you closer to your highest goal and purpose in life. Then do that first.
When I wanted to publish my first business book, I sent the proposal to dozens of editors and got plenty of “rejection” letters. Rather than feeling discouraged, I started each day by laying out the letters on the floor and walking on them as if they were stepping stones.
You’ll be spending about a third of your waking adult life at work. Why would you want to fill your work environment—and that part of your life—with objects that are useless and ugly?
Most people treat setbacks as mini-failures, and often use them as an excuse to give up—and therefore fail. Learning what doesn’t work is an essential part of learning what does! Setbacks are a sign that you’re making progress.
Many people leave their TVs on as background noise while they’re doing other things. The entire point of TV is to make you dissatisfied with your life so that you’ll buy more stuff. Why subliminally program yourself to be a mindless consumer?
So whenever there’s a news story that starts to make you angry or upset, change the channel—unless it’s 100% relevant to your life—or click to another page. Why torture yourself needlessly? You’re only draining away your own energy!
Doing something creative, talking to somebody important, or absorbing complex information are all impossible if your computer and phone are chirping and beeping for your attention. Whatever it is, it can wait.
When asked “How are you?” respond with “Terrific!” or “Fabulous!” or “I’ve never felt better!” rather than a depressing “OK” or “Getting by.” Rather than saying, “I’m enraged!” say “I’m a bit annoyed”—or, better yet, “I’ve got a challenge.”
Set reminders in your email and calendar programs to keep you focused on achieving your goals rather than just noting activities that pop up throughout your daily life. Harness technology to focus your efforts rather than distract them.
Workaholics may think they’re accomplishing more than the less fanatical worker, but in fact, long hours result in stressed-out people who get too sick to work and produce sloppy results that must be either scrapped or redone.
Talk is cheap, so goals aren’t real unless they’re written down on paper, by hand. This subliminally tells your mind that these goals are important and different, as opposed to a text email that you send to yourself, which is soon composed and soon forgotten.
The more frequently you write your goals down on paper, the more power they’ve got. When Scott Adams, of Dilbert fame, wants to achieve a goal, he writes that goal down 10 times every morning.
ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITES!
Andy Rooney (a curmudgeon old commentator said this on 60 minutes many years ago (this was written and spoken on 60 minutes back in the late 80's or possibly in the early 90's):
I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies. Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game. I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off. When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability. I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business however, I would be "FIRED" immediately! I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should speak English! My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines. I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document and open to their interpretations. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them. I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude. I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you. It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!" I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me french fries. I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.